I took these from our local ‘Kalispell Kaleidoscope’, a free handout at various restaurants, usually chock full of funny:

Observations:

  • A day without sunshine is like night.
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • Remember, half the people you know are below average.
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
  • When everything is coming your way, you might be in the wrong lane.
  • Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
  • How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
  • What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
  • Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, “What the heck happened?”
  • If the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
  • Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

:hot:

Quiz #1:

I have three children. One is the same age as the first number in my age, another is the same age as the second number in my age, and the third is the same age as the sum of the two numbers in my age. None of the children are the same age and the total of our ages is 45. How old am I?

Trivia #1:

In hairdressing, what is the difference between an English and a Dutch braid?

A ) They are opposites

B ) They are the same thing

C ) A Dutch braid incorporates ribbons

D ) An English braid is pinned up

Things Change…

Then Now
   
Long Hair Longing for Hair
KEG EKG
Acid Rock Acid Reflux
Seeds and Stems Roughage
Trying to look like Brando or Liz Taylor Trying NOT to look like Brando or Liz Taylor
Moving to California because it’s cool Moving to Arizona because it’s warm
Going to a new, hip joint Receiving a new hip joint
Took acid to make the world weird Take Prozac to make it normal
Rolling Stones Kidney Stones
Disco Costco
Whatever Depends
   
   

A Blonde’s Year in Review

January: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print label… Helloooo!!! Bottles won’t fit in the printer!

March: Got really excited — finished jigsaw puzzle in six months. Box said 2-4 years.

April: Trapped on escalator for hours — power went out.

May: Tried to make Kool-Aid, wrong instructions, eight cups of water won’t fit in those little packets.

June: Tried to go water skiing, couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July: Lost breast stroke swimming competition — learned later that the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!

August:Got locked out of my car in rain storm — car swamped because soft-top was open.

September: The capital of California is ‘C’, isn’t’ it?

October: Hate M&M’s, they’re so hard to peel.

November: Baked turkey for 4½ days. Instructions said one hour per pound and I weigh 108.

December: Couldn’t call 911. Duh, there’s no ‘eleven’ button on the stupid phone.

Quiz #2:

Sally Smith was born on December 25th, 1971, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Trivia #2:

In the game of croquet in “Alice in Wonderland,” hedgehogs were used for the balls. Which bird was used as a mallet?

A ) Stork

B ) Flamingo

C ) Heron

D ) Ostrich